Miscellaneous Bad Jokes Post Them Here - In Any Language

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Joe
Friday 03rd of June 2005 09:16:18 PM
Bad Jokes: OK - this idea came from the "Person Below Me" thread, when Anya asked for someone to tell a joke. I've kinda mutated it into "bad" jokes. Not bad as in off-color, but as in not necessarily funny.

So - let see who all plays along. My first joke:
Why did the bald man draw rabbits on his head?


Because from a distance they looked like hares.


Ulven
Saturday 04th of June 2005 12:53:04 AM
How did the ant die?
Heart attack.

It doesn't get worse than that. When people say "it's all in the delivery", it's usually not literal. But in my friend's case, the "all" is literal, because there's nothing to 'get' with this joke (which is what he played on). He had us laughing all the way home from school. Some people are so good at telling jokes that they don't even need to be remotely good.


mattie
Saturday 04th of June 2005 04:56:58 AM
What's black, white and red?

A sunburnt penguin

My sister told me this joke this morning. I don't think it is funny. She told me it was 'gay'.


Dawnlorraine
Saturday 04th of June 2005 06:37:48 AM
What is "pi"?

Mathematician: Pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter.
Engineer: Pi is about 22/7.
Physicist: Pi is 3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005
Computer Programmer: Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision.
Nutritionist: You one track math-minded fellows, Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!




Ulven
Saturday 04th of June 2005 07:52:58 AM
We're only a few posts in and I'm already wondering whether this shouldn't be a 'good' jokes thread. :)


Druhim_Vanashta
Saturday 04th of June 2005 08:44:01 AM
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and announces "I'm lookin'for the man who shot my Paw!"




Dawnlorraine
Saturday 04th of June 2005 09:44:24 AM
Why was the piano invented?
So the musician would have a place to put his beer.


Joe
Saturday 04th of June 2005 10:32:29 AM
for you Ulv...trying to get another "bad" joke:

What do you do with a wombat?


You play wom with it.


Dawnlorraine
Saturday 04th of June 2005 10:39:29 AM
I passed my ethics exam. Of course I've cheated.




Joe
Saturday 04th of June 2005 10:47:42 AM
What kind of snake is it good to have on a car?


Windshield vipers.


Dawnlorraine
Saturday 04th of June 2005 10:54:41 AM
Stockbroker's creed: A man is a client until proven broke.




Druhim_Vanashta
Saturday 04th of June 2005 12:15:04 PM
A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender looks him over and says, "We don't serve your kind in here. Get out!" So the string goes into a second bar and the bartender looks him over and tells him, "We don't serve strings in here. You have to leave." Frustrated, the string walks outside twists himself into a huge tangle, unravels one end of himself and goes back to the first bar. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and says, "Hey, aren't you that piece of string that was just in here a few minutes ago?" The string responds, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

hint: rhymes with "I'm afraid not."


Ulven
Saturday 04th of June 2005 12:21:11 PM
haha. You had me at "a string walks into a bar", Chelle. You're a deep well a bad, bad jokes.:)lol


Mathieu
Saturday 04th of June 2005 03:30:19 PM
There always was a shitload of very stupid word jokes around here, I forgot almost all of them, but here's one I just thought of to illustrate the principle

It's green and it has wheels

Endrive

Also there used to be alot of jokes about Turkish or other foreign immigrants like

Turk and a Maroccan are in a car. Who's driving?

The police

And the shortest joke I've ever know is

There's a Turk at the checkout... that was it :D some of these can still make me laugh just because they're so bad :)

The 3rd common category of jokes were about Belgs, but those were always too long for me to remember, and besides, Belgs do even funnier things in real than they do in the jokes :D


Druhim_Vanashta
Saturday 04th of June 2005 03:33:51 PM
What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?






A pool table.





Mathieu
Saturday 04th of June 2005 03:38:38 PM
It's white and it's bad for your teeth

A refrigerator


Druhim_Vanashta
Saturday 04th of June 2005 03:41:39 PM
Two sausages are sitting in a frying pan. The first sausage says, "Hey, it's getting hot in here." The second one turns and screams, "OH MY GOD!! A TALKING SAUSAGE!!"




Psyche
Saturday 04th of June 2005 03:41:39 PM
Since the Norwegians always try to diss the Swedes, we have tons of jokes about them, where it`s always about how stupid they are. Here is the worst I heard, that I actually found funny after a minute`s thinking.


What did the Swede do when he fell on the floor?

He missed.


Yeah, the point was that he was to stupid to even hit the floor..lame!! :p


bluehipopotamo
Saturday 04th of June 2005 03:48:43 PM
two chickens are lying in bed. the male chicken is smoking a cigarette, smiling and looking all relaxed and calm. the female looks very upset and says to the male, "well, i guess we answered THAT question!"

hint: the question is "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" :p


Joe
Saturday 04th of June 2005 08:25:01 PM
good one, bluehipopotamo!

What do you get when you cross a ghost and a the letter K?


A boo-k.


Psyche
Saturday 04th of June 2005 08:28:45 PM
Fuh, that was THE lamest joke I`ve ever heard :p


Druhim_Vanashta
Sunday 05th of June 2005 09:16:16 AM
Two atoms are talking:


"Help, somebody has stolen one of my electrons!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"



Ulven
Sunday 05th of June 2005 09:51:18 AM
I have a feeling that Chelle likes bad jokes more than she likes good ones:)lol.

Here's a story from home that is the spirit of things...

My dog's name is Rhoda, and she lost a leg being hit by a car whilst crossing the road. So one of my pet names for her now is Rhoda-kill. :p

It took me a while before I could bring myself to call her that, but once she was back to her smiling self...
And, I saw a squeaky toy in the pet shop that looked like her leg (that had been amputated). The toy was of a chicken leg that had been shaved, as was Rhoda's leg for the operations beforehand, and it was the same colour. But the funniest thing was that the leg had slice marks exactly like Rhoda's would have had where it was amputated from.
A month after the amputation, we were in said petshop, I looked at my mum cheekily and said "We'll buy this for Rhoda". Mum said "NO". Mum wasn't ready yet. But a couple of months later, what do I find under the christmas tree addressed to Rhoda? This chicken leg toy. :)lol I guess mum was ready now. haha

EDIT: Oh and... a friend named her after a character in Lord of the Rings... Legolas (legless):)lol.
Another simply calls her bluntly, Tri-pod.:)lol


Druhim_Vanashta
Sunday 05th of June 2005 11:57:22 AM
Actually, I never tell bad jokes in my day to day life. But I like to get in the spirit of things here. To that end,...



What is yellow and wears a mask?








The Lone Lemon.





bluehipopotamo
Sunday 05th of June 2005 12:21:33 PM
what do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?



a stick.


snotra
Sunday 05th of June 2005 02:30:53 PM
what will u call a butter which is flying ?

a Butterfly :D:D;) (its my avater hihihihihi)


Joe
Sunday 05th of June 2005 07:47:25 PM
Knock knock...

Who's there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Knock knock...

Who's there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Knock knock...

Who's there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Knock knock...

Who's there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange ya glad I didn't say banana?


Druhim_Vanashta
Monday 06th of June 2005 11:03:32 AM
Two olives are pals, and they're hanging from the tree like they have been for months. Suddenly, one falls to the ground. The remaining one says, "Are you ok?" And the other replies, "Olive!"



hint: It sounds like "I'll live"






Joe
Monday 06th of June 2005 11:11:01 AM
Why are pirates so popular?

They just arrrr.

Chelle (or is it Druhim Vanashta? lol... I like the new name!), you may be the joke Queen here! I love the ones you've posted!!


Druhim_Vanashta
Monday 06th of June 2005 11:40:06 AM
Thanks, Joe. I have a ton of them!

You can still call me 'Chelle. It *is* actually what my friends and family call me. I just didn't like FloridaChelle very much. It wasn't me. I just made it up in a hurry.

And now, since Joe has only encouraged me with his last post, here is another truly awful joke!


A doctor used to stop off at a bar every evening on his way home for a hazelnut daiquiri. The bartender knew the doctor's habit and would always have a drink waiting. But, one day the bartender ran out of hazelnut extract, so he substituted hickory nuts instead. When the doctor arrived, he took a sip and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"


"No, I'm sorry," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."














People who are not familiar with the nursery rhyme may not get this one, so here is the rhyme.

Hickory, Dickory, Dock;
The mouse ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
and down he'd run,
Hickory, Dickory, Dock.





grinner
Monday 06th of June 2005 01:56:50 PM
How would you ask a Ringwraith for a date?
What's a Nazgul doing in a place like this?

(... maybe you need to see the movie to get it?)



Druhim_Vanashta
Monday 06th of June 2005 02:03:08 PM
Yay!! Grinner is in on the bad joke game!


What do grapes say when you step on them?



Nothing. They just let out a little wine. (Whine)








grinner
Monday 06th of June 2005 02:34:07 PM
Christmas time, and Luke and Darth Vader are approaching the Emperor's throne room. Darth Vader, trying to break the ice between his estranged son, struggles for something to say. "Luke, I know what you got for Christmas."

Luke looks up. "Excuse me?"

"I know what you got for Christmas, my son."

Luke frowns. "You left me with Uncle Owen and Aunt Baru! You were never there for Christmas! How can you possibly know what I received for Christmas?"

Darth Vader slowly turns towards Luke. "I have felt your presence."

*groan* ... then again, this fits in here quite nice, doesn't it?

... hey Chelle ;) lookin' good :D ... need a *cough* stick?



Druhim_Vanashta
Monday 06th of June 2005 02:44:00 PM
How do you make anti-freeze?


Take away her blanket.




Thank you for the compliment, Grinner, but I have seen how menacingly you wave that thing around. You are dangerous with *ahem* sticks.




Joe
Monday 06th of June 2005 04:50:29 PM
OMG, grinner - I am in TEARS reading those jokes! I can see the joke battle between grinner and Chelle warming up! Yahoo!

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?

Because it scares the hell out of the dog.






Druhim_Vanashta
Monday 06th of June 2005 05:17:11 PM
LOL

Oh my god, Joe! That is so wrong! That poor dog. I am evil just for laughing at that.








Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?



If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.



Ulven
Tuesday 07th of June 2005 12:34:52 AM
I'll point your attention to a joke you're not aware of.

I just finished telling Bluehipopotamo "you're probably not really Finnish, anyway", and what does she do? Post's her Finnish driver's license as her avatar:)lol.


bluehipopotamo
Tuesday 07th of June 2005 12:38:32 AM
actually, i've had the license as my avatar for a few days now... ha! ha! ha! :p


Dawnlorraine
Tuesday 07th of June 2005 06:52:17 AM
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

Then the Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."




grinner
Tuesday 07th of June 2005 11:44:24 AM
joe l, surely you jest... your joke was even better!!! ... wait, this is Bad Jokes, right? heh heh as long as we get a good laugh :D

> Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

> If you and i feed our kids with little spoons and forks, what do they use in China? Toothpicks?



Dawnlorraine
Tuesday 07th of June 2005 12:39:00 PM
When met by a long procession of people led by a man with a dog, Joe asked the man, "Who died?"
"My Mother in law."
"How?"
"The dog bit her."
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."



Druhim_Vanashta
Tuesday 07th of June 2005 01:51:07 PM
What's black, highly dangerous, and lives in a tree?








A crow with a machine gun.



Druhim_Vanashta
Tuesday 07th of June 2005 01:52:40 PM
Here's one for those who are spiritually inclined.


What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor?








Make me one with everything.




Dawnlorraine
Tuesday 07th of June 2005 02:03:44 PM
What is the penalty for bigamy?


-Two mothers-in-law.


Druhim_Vanashta
Tuesday 07th of June 2005 02:44:18 PM
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"


Dawnlorraine
Tuesday 07th of June 2005 04:47:49 PM
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."


Joe
Tuesday 07th of June 2005 08:23:00 PM
Why wouldn't the skeleton jump off the cliff?


Because it had no guts.


Ulven
Tuesday 07th of June 2005 08:49:38 PM
You can substitite whichever nationality is considered the stupidest by your countrymen. (Psyche's sure to substitute Swedes for her versions). I learnt these as Irish jokes.

Latest Irish inventions;

-Submarine with flyscreen windows.

-Pedal-powered wheelchair

-Helpicopter with an ejector seat


Druhim_Vanashta
Tuesday 07th of June 2005 08:53:52 PM
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!"

"Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwelling mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."




Joe
Tuesday 07th of June 2005 09:12:34 PM
all Hail Queen Chelle... my God that joke was GREAT!!!



When Noah built his ark, he had two snakes aboard. When the animals were leaving, he said, "Go forth and multiply."

The snakes didn't move.

"Go forth and multiply!"

They still didn't move.

Noah was yelling by now.

"Go forth and multiply!"

"We can't," they answered.

Noah was confused. "Why not?"

"We're adders."


Ulven
Tuesday 07th of June 2005 09:29:00 PM
Psyche and Grinner, I know you guys have already read this one about Scotsmen elsewhere in the forum.

Q: Why don't kilts have zippers?
A: Because the sheep would hear them coming.

*Chelle de Vanashta, I told my mum your joke about two sausages on the frying pan and she loved it.


a10mechs
Tuesday 07th of June 2005 09:38:48 PM
Why did the mouse cross the road?


He was stapled to the chicken.

Hey it does say Bad Jokes


Joe
Tuesday 07th of June 2005 09:39:40 PM
OMG Ulven!!! LMAO. This thread is giving me some much-needed humor on an otherwise crappy day.


A blind man was in a park, spinning his dog in circles.

A passer-by was concerned - the dog appeared quite dizzy.

"What on Earth are you doing?" asked the passer-by

"Nothing, just taking a look around" said the blind man...

(I can't believe I posted that. My apologies to everyone...jeez...)


Druhim_Vanashta
Tuesday 07th of June 2005 10:01:45 PM
ROTFLMAO

Oh my god, I love this thread!!

How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
Step one: Open the door.
Step two: Put the elephant in.
Step three: Close the door.






How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Step one: Open the door.
Step two: Take the elephant out.
Step three: Put the giraffe in.
Step four: Close the door.







If an elephant and a giraffe had a race, who would win?
The elephant. The giraffe is in the refrigerator.


*Ulven, glad I could give your mom a laugh. Truthfully I think its kind of cool that I can make people on the other side of the globe laugh.

*Joe, you kind of have a thing for cruelty to seeing-eye dogs, don't you?



bluehipopotamo
Wednesday 08th of June 2005 12:59:26 AM
what's the difference between erotic and kinky?

erotic = using a feather, kinky = using the whole chicken


Psyche
Wednesday 08th of June 2005 01:07:18 AM
As the gynocologist said: Ah, finally Friday, it`s going to be nice to watch people in the eyes again.


Druhim_Vanashta
Wednesday 08th of June 2005 01:10:05 AM
What's green and has wheels?



Grass. I lied about the wheels.



Psyche
Wednesday 08th of June 2005 01:17:28 AM
So a Croatian walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "We don't serb your kind!"




Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 08th of June 2005 06:50:04 AM
What do you call a statistician on drugs?
A high flyer.



grinner
Wednesday 08th of June 2005 11:25:11 AM
This guy walks into a British bar.
He sees a guy standing by the bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
So he walks up to the guy and says "Hey, you have a steering wheel in your pants!"
The British guy looks up and replies "Yea. It's driving me nuts."


Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 08th of June 2005 11:47:28 AM
What's the difference between a camel and a brontosaurus?

A camel is a horse designed by committee.

A brontosaurus is a salamander designed to Mil-Spec.



snotra
Wednesday 08th of June 2005 11:57:27 AM
why does rocket goes so fats and so high in the sky ?

bcz its has fire under his ass :D:D:D !!!


grinner
Wednesday 08th of June 2005 12:28:07 PM
A 10 p.m. curfew was imposed in Baghdad, and everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9:55 p.m.

"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.

"I know where he lives," came the reply, "and he couldn't have made it"


Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 08th of June 2005 12:34:39 PM
On a bumper sticker over a crunched front bumper:


"So many pedestrians, so little time."



grinner
Wednesday 08th of June 2005 02:22:19 PM
...I don't think this really belongs in here... but...

Grandpa Simpson: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

:D


Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 08th of June 2005 02:48:23 PM
"...clamp...sponge...scalpel...oops..."


Ulven
Wednesday 08th of June 2005 02:52:21 PM
"Thanks, Dawn. I was needing that organ to liv..." *dies mid-sentence*


Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 08th of June 2005 03:31:26 PM
I was operating on a roach. Ulven you CANNOT die, lol. I love your posts.


Mathieu
Wednesday 08th of June 2005 03:48:39 PM
What's the pinnacle of geekness?



A topic about bad jokes consisting of 4 pages and counting.


Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 08th of June 2005 05:11:52 PM

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achievethe implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
I hope that this will finally answer the question and end all the controversy surrounding it once and for all.




sandman
Wednesday 08th of June 2005 07:01:53 PM
an old lady is visiting a gallery
near one picture she says to the guide:
- how nice ! it must be Kicasso
- no ma'am, it's Picasso
- young man, are you taking a Kiss out of me ?!


sandman
Wednesday 08th of June 2005 07:13:35 PM
a man is traveling through country
near one village he sees a big herd of white and black sheep
he started to talk with the herder:
- well, how nice those sheep are ! how many there are ?
herder answers:
- black or white ones ?
- black
- 120
- and white ?
- 120
- well, how many wool they give per year ?
- black or white ones ?
- black
- 150 kg
- and white ?
- 150 kg
- hmmmm, well, how much meat it'd be if you slaughter them ?
- black or white ones ?
- black
- about 1.5 tons
- and white ?
- about 1.5 tons
the traveller is starting to loose his patience:
- damn, why you always ask me, whether it's black or white, if the answers are the same ?
herder answers:
- well, the black sheep are mine
the traveller says with deep comprehension:
- aaaa, now i seeee... and white ones ?
- mine as well



Joe
Thursday 09th of June 2005 12:45:40 AM
A scientist cloned himself, but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language.

As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed him out the window. The clone fell to the ground and broke his leg.

Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall


Druhim_Vanashta
Thursday 09th of June 2005 12:54:03 AM
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender. A few sips later the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "They're complimentary."


Dawnlorraine
Thursday 09th of June 2005 07:16:06 AM
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk!?




Anonymous
Thursday 09th of June 2005 10:31:21 AM
the hostess is showing apartments to a man who wants to rent them:
- here lived a scientist before you, he was a chemist. very clever man. he used to carry out his experiments
- i see... and that dark spot on the ceiling is probably a result of one of his experiments ?
- well, you can say so... but actually it's the chemist himself



sandman
Thursday 09th of June 2005 10:42:41 AM
the hostess is showing apartments to a man who wants to rent them:
- here lived a scientist before you, he was a chemist. very clever man. he used to carry out his experiments
- i see... and that dark spot on the ceiling is probably a result of one of his experiments ?
- well, you can say so... but actually it's the chemist himself


sandman
Thursday 09th of June 2005 10:53:25 AM
a doctor has had a very bad day.
next patient comes to the room:
- good afternoon, doctor ! what showed my tests ?
- cancer !
- bbb b bb but, dd doctor, you said it mmmust be just stones in my kkkidneys
- yep ! and under each stone there is a cancer !

(hint: in russian 'cancer' and 'crowfish' is the same word - 'рак')


Dawnlorraine
Thursday 09th of June 2005 01:38:20 PM
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.

He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."



Druhim_Vanashta
Thursday 09th of June 2005 02:05:28 PM
What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?







Big holes all over Australia!



Dawnlorraine
Thursday 09th of June 2005 04:15:26 PM
Proctologist's Accident

What kind of accident did the proctologist have?
He was rear-ended!




sandman
Thursday 09th of June 2005 07:16:03 PM
spouses sit in a restaurant
while drinking wine the woman suddenly spills it on her clothes and says:
- damn, i'm looking like a pig !
the man:
- yep, you are...
rising his head:
- and moreover, you spilled your wine on youself !


sandman
Thursday 09th of June 2005 07:19:44 PM
- knock, knock... open up, it's the police !
- what a hell you locked up yourselves there ?


Druhim_Vanashta
Thursday 09th of June 2005 07:30:10 PM
A man buys a parrot at a pet store, but when he gets home the bird starts cussing up a storm. The man tells the bird not to use foul language, but the parrot continues to curse a blue streak. The man says, "I'm warning you, if you don't stop using that kind of language I am going to put you in the freezer." The parrot ignores him and continues cursing. Finally, fed up the man grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer. The parrot is quiet for several seconds then says, "Ok,ok, I promise I'll never curse again."
The man opens the freezer and says, "That's better."
The parrot says,"But there's just one thing I have to ask."
"What's that?" says the man.

The parrot glances over his shoulder and quietly asks, "What did the chicken do?"







Joe
Thursday 09th of June 2005 09:07:36 PM
OK - a long one for you.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a man from New York are captured by cannibals in the remote jungle. They are told that they're going to be killed, their skins made into canoes, and their flesh devoured. BUT - they have the option of how they want to die before this.

The Englishman says "My - I suppose hanging may be somewhat painless." He's given a rope, and proceeds to hang himself from a nearby tree. He dies and the cannibals cut him down and start preparing his body.

The Frenchman decides that he'd like to die by a single gunshot to the head. He is quickly dipatched, and his body prepared by the cannibals.

Finally it's the New Yorker's turn. He tells the cannibals that he's like to die by stabbing himself with a fork. The natives are a bit confused, but give the New Yorker the fork. After hours upon hours of stabbing, holes and blood everywhere, the New Yorker finally nears death. The cannibal chief says to him

"you are very brave - what a painful way to die. But I have to ask...why die this way?"

The New Yorker looks up at the cheif, and with his last breath says...

"Here's your damned canoe skin..."


Druhim_Vanashta
Thursday 09th of June 2005 09:50:25 PM
What has four legs and an arm?







A happy pit-bull



bluehipopotamo
Friday 10th of June 2005 12:41:57 AM
i asked my mom if she wanted to hear a joke. she said yes. so i played her 'dancing queen' by abba. she laughed. mission accomplished :p


Druhim_Vanashta
Friday 10th of June 2005 01:20:51 AM
Friend 1: Did you know that atoms have mass?

Friend 2: I didn't even know they were Catholic.



Dawnlorraine
Friday 10th of June 2005 07:27:30 AM
Why does a traffic light turn red?
You would too if you had to change in front of so many people !!!


Druhim_Vanashta
Friday 10th of June 2005 12:49:01 PM
Just because I hate the sound of bagpipes....


Why do bagpipers walk when they play?



They're trying to get away from the noise.


Ulven
Friday 10th of June 2005 02:04:10 PM
I always tease my Scottish relatives with this. I've never said it in a concise joke format, but I'll try...

Why are the highlands so baron? Why are the birds always merely playing through, but not stopping?And surely there were once trees here, but no more? Why is this plave so empty?

Because there's bloody Scotsmen standing on the hills playing bagpipes to every horizon... that's why! I'm surprized even the grass stayed.


Druhim_Vanashta
Friday 10th of June 2005 03:03:42 PM
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."





fiamma_gt
Saturday 11th of June 2005 07:54:37 AM


Husband: Do you remember how happy we were thirty years ago?

Wife: But... we didn't know each other thirty years ago...

Husband: That's why I'm saying it!!!


Dawnlorraine
Saturday 11th of June 2005 10:47:13 AM
A snail got mugged by two tortoises. When he went to the police, they questioned him as to what happened. He said, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"


Druhim_Vanashta
Saturday 11th of June 2005 11:22:59 AM
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mom, my dad, my older brother Colin, or my sister Xiao Ren Xi.

I'm pretty sure it's Colin.







Anya
Saturday 11th of June 2005 12:10:52 PM
Why is it that I can never remember a joke when I click post reply in here?

This one is from one of my patients, when we were discussing genetics:

How do you quickly tell a man's genotype?








Joe
Saturday 11th of June 2005 09:52:18 PM
How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

and the follow up

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way, unique up on it.



Druhim_Vanashta
Sunday 12th of June 2005 03:08:44 PM
Well, as long as we are doing rabbit jokes....


How do you catch a rabbit?







Hide in a meadow and make carrot noises.



Gijs
Sunday 12th of June 2005 08:51:09 PM
Why does a dutch prostitute has a red phone?



[color=white] To make phonecalls [/color]



Joe
Sunday 12th of June 2005 09:56:25 PM
A man walks into a bar and an egg falls on his head.

The barman turns to him and says, "The yolk's on you!


Druhim_Vanashta
Monday 13th of June 2005 04:51:35 PM
My God, Joe. That was awful! You win the prize, man.


Here's my next one:

How do you make a Venetian blind?







Stick a finger in his eye.


Joe
Tuesday 14th of June 2005 09:05:08 AM
lol...I like yours Chelle. Man, I have a soft spot for bad jokes.

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.


Dawnlorraine
Tuesday 14th of June 2005 09:42:10 AM
What has six legs, red eyes, and green stuff coming out of its nose?

Look behind you!



Druhim_Vanashta
Tuesday 14th of June 2005 05:31:34 PM
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


Marta
Tuesday 14th of June 2005 10:54:28 PM
There were four Chinese sisters Bu, Chu, Fu and Su. They wanted to emigrate to the USA. In order to get visas they had to change their names. So Bu became Buck, Chu became Chuck and Fu and Su decided to stay in China.


MrClean
Wednesday 15th of June 2005 01:15:47 AM
Ok I read most of these of the pages so I'll try not to repeat anything and seeing as though off-colour doesnt seem to be off limits..

Q. Whats the worst sexually transmitted parisite?
A. children

Q. whats black and sits at the top of a stairs?
A. Stephen Hawking after a house fire (very harsh sorry)

Q. what do you call a leper in a swimming pool?
A. a dispirin (aka alka sltzer)

Q. did you hear about the kerry man who tried to wash his floor?
A. he broke his washing machine

Q. why did the snooker player go to the bathroom
A. to pot the brown

Q.whats brown and sticky
A. a stick


And a "bar" joke because Ive loads:

A sandwich walks into a bar and the barman goes, "sorry you'll have to leave, we dont serve food here."



Joe
Wednesday 15th of June 2005 05:11:19 AM
How did the Vikings send secret messages?


By Norse code!


Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 15th of June 2005 12:01:33 PM
Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?


He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.


Joe
Wednesday 15th of June 2005 07:53:52 PM
What's the best way to keep milk from turning sour?


Leave it in the cow.


Druhim_Vanashta
Wednesday 15th of June 2005 08:05:22 PM
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.




MrClean
Thursday 16th of June 2005 01:31:18 AM
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar and start ordering loads of drinks and eventually the giraffe passes out drunk and the man gets up to leave and the barman says, "here now, you cant leave that lying there!!"
and the man replies, "thats not a lion its a giraffe!!"




Dawnlorraine
Thursday 16th of June 2005 11:14:52 AM
SQWERTY

Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.



grinner
Thursday 16th of June 2005 11:27:38 AM
Originally posted by Druhim Vanashta


A dyslexic man walks into a bra.



Oh this is a mighty good one 'Chelle :D!!!


Joe
Thursday 16th of June 2005 08:28:35 PM
Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.

In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tock tick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"

The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.

He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!


Joe
Thursday 16th of June 2005 08:38:10 PM
I don't recall seeing any foreign language jokes yet, so I'll post one in Russian I found amusing (with a translation, of course...)

Когда ученики Воскресной школы шли на церковное собрание, учительница
спросила:
- А почему необходимо тихо вести себя в церкви?
Одна догадливая малышка ответила:
- Потому что люди спят…

translation

When pupils of a Sunday school went on church assembly, the teacher asked, "And why it is necessary to behave silently in church?"

One little girl answered, "Because people are sleeping..."


Petr
Thursday 16th of June 2005 10:52:20 PM
I haven't seen anything but foreign language jokes, maybe because this is a foreign site? Anyway, here is a little Norwegian rhime:

Det var en kobra
som ikke så bra
så han gikk til en øyenlege som var zebra

I won't translate it but I promise, it's a bad joke


MrClean
Friday 17th of June 2005 01:04:15 AM
Two weasels were out drinking in a bar one night when suddenly one weasel turns to the other and screams, "I slept with your mother!!".
The whole bar stops and turns around and starts to watch..
The 1st weasel starts up again,"I did your mother what are you gonna do about it!!"


The other weasel sighs and says...."Dad, you're drunk go home".


Dawnlorraine
Friday 17th of June 2005 12:06:20 PM
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?" He replied, "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected I promise'."



Joe
Friday 17th of June 2005 05:27:53 PM
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."


Druhim_Vanashta
Friday 17th of June 2005 05:35:55 PM
What do you call Santa's helpers?











Subordinate Clauses.



fiamma_gt
Saturday 18th of June 2005 12:05:21 AM


Una chica estaba en su casa con su novio viendo televisión cuando se va la luz y como están solos, ella le dice al chico con una voz sensual:

- Aprovecha, mi amor


Y el chico se aprovecha... y que se lleva el televisor!!!






Dawnlorraine
Saturday 18th of June 2005 07:03:50 AM
Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

A: The position of the dirt bag.


Trudy_L_
Saturday 18th of June 2005 06:54:33 PM
Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Snow.

Snow who?

Snowbody but me.


Joe
Sunday 19th of June 2005 10:52:38 AM
What do you get when you cross a loaf of bread with a buffalo?

A buffaloaf.


Anya
Sunday 19th of June 2005 11:02:48 AM
Just heard this one at dinner (in Russian, but I'll translate it).

A man invites a plumber to fix a leak. He goes through and reseals the pipes and presents the man with the bill. The man calculates it to be $100/hour and exclaims: "I never earned that much when I was a neurosurgeon!"

The plumber looks at him and says: "neither did I!"


Joe
Sunday 19th of June 2005 11:08:44 AM
Which way do insane people take when they go through the forest?

The psycho path.


mula
Sunday 19th of June 2005 07:27:34 PM
Hmm... Let me try.

What's a 90-60-90?
It's a car passing through a highway patrol.

And suddenly from the forest he heard a girl scream slowly changing into woman's.

After a night a woman says to a man:
- You know, I have AIDS.
- Me too.
- I was just kidding.
- You won't kid like that anymore.

A bumblebee walks out of the bar:
- Bzz....
- Bzzzzz...
- Bzz.. bzz...
- Oh, what the hell. I'll get home on foot.





Mery
Sunday 19th of June 2005 08:28:32 PM
French: 1. Qu'est-ce qui rentre dur et sec et qui ressort mou et trempé ?


— Un biscuit dans du café ! (Note: à quoi avez-vous pensé? lol ;))


2. - Papa, pourquoi mémé, elle est toute froide ?


- Tais-toi et creuse !


Dawnlorraine
Monday 20th of June 2005 08:46:47 AM
Seen on a birthday card
Outside:

Forget about the past,
You can't change it.


Forget about the future,

You can't predict it.


Inside:

Forget about the present,
I didn't buy you one.




Joe
Monday 20th of June 2005 11:28:42 AM
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?


Frostbite.


Dawnlorraine
Monday 20th of June 2005 11:54:36 AM
Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs?


He doesn't want anyone to know that he's sleeping with a chicken.



Petr
Monday 20th of June 2005 06:53:34 PM
Another Norwegian joke. This time with translation:

De første menneskene kom til Norge omtrent 12000 år før Kristus. Denne påstanden blir tatt for god fisk av de fleste historikere. Likevel må det dreie seg om en misforståelse. Kristus kom aldri til Norge.

The first humans came to Norway about 12000 years B.C. This statement is approved by most historians. Nevertheless it must be some sort of misunderstanding. Christ never visited Norway.



Dawnlorraine
Tuesday 21st of June 2005 02:20:49 PM
How do you talk to a fish?

You drop him a line.



Joe
Tuesday 21st of June 2005 08:06:17 PM
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".


mula
Tuesday 21st of June 2005 08:30:24 PM
"Daddy, why is granny racing around the garden?"
"To some, she is a granny and to some, she is a mother-in-law," said dad while reloading his rifle.


What's better - beer or mother-in-law?
Both are good.
But only if they both are cold and on the table.


A monk, wrapped in a mantle, walks down the street late at night. Suddenly a drunkard gets out of the bar and knocks the monk out.
"Well, Batman, this isn't your day today."


"Hello, is John at home?"
"Yes, he's still here but they've already taken out all the wreaths."


In the dark:
"Hey, Peter, catch the axe!"
After a while:
"Peter, why are you silent?"


If you can't beat the record, you can always beat its holder.


Mathieu
Wednesday 22nd of June 2005 01:15:23 AM
"How are you?"
"Mixed feelings.. my car was stolen today"
"So why mixed?"
"Mother-in-law was still in it"


"I miss my mother-in-law alot, but my aim is improving."


Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 22nd of June 2005 10:57:48 AM
In a letter to 'The Economist' in Readers Digest (ages ago), M.J.Shields, of Jarrow, England, points out that George Bernard Shaw, among others, urged spelling reform, suggesting that one letter be altered or deleted each year, thus giving the populace time to absorb the change...





"For example, in Year 1 that useless letter 'c' would be dropped to be replased either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the 'ch' formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling, so that 'which' and 'one' would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and Iear 4 might fiks the 'g-j' anomali wonse and for all. "Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez 'c', 'y' and 'x' - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli. "Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld...

Iorz feixfuli,
M.J. Yilz"




Joe
Thursday 23rd of June 2005 12:36:31 AM
Once upon a time an evil king captured a princess and held her captive in his high tower. Though she was very beautiful, the evil king forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress.

"You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave knight will come and rescue me!"

The evil king replied, "Not in that thing!"

She waited day and night, but it was just as the evil king had said. Every knight who saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her disgusting, smelly burlap dress. After many months, the princess broke down crying.

The evil king taunted the princess, "You see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!"


Dawnlorraine
Thursday 23rd of June 2005 05:59:16 AM
Patient: "Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.

Doctor: Wait a minute. I'll be right with you....



Druhim_Vanashta
Friday 24th of June 2005 01:34:47 PM
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!'


Anya
Saturday 25th of June 2005 01:13:09 AM
Someone just sent this to me so I can't take credit. I'm cautious about jokes of this nature because I've worked in a mental institution and condone the stigma associated with mental illness. This one actually passes that test, since it could be anywhere social pressures go up against fears.

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"


Dawnlorraine
Saturday 25th of June 2005 08:12:40 AM
What whizzes along a riverbed on three wheels?
A motor-Pike and a side-Carp.



Joe
Sunday 26th of June 2005 07:58:19 PM
What kind of tree grows in your hand?

A palm tree


Former_Member
Monday 27th of June 2005 12:58:31 AM
bad joke...: senor1: "senor, como come?"

senor2: "como como, como como como?!"


Dawnlorraine
Monday 27th of June 2005 07:33:27 AM
What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation?

A blood vessel.



Marta
Monday 27th of June 2005 08:23:05 PM
note: I'm going to start studying ethnology next year

What is student of ethnology saying to a graduate of ethnology?
- two hamburgers, please.


Mathieu
Monday 27th of June 2005 09:08:34 PM
Hehe :D Reminds me of:

Black man: "I'll be studying in university next year"
White man: "Oh, in what branch?"
Black man: "No, just on a chair, like everyone else"

Please don't take this offensive anyone, I just like it because it's so stupid :D


Joe
Tuesday 28th of June 2005 11:37:01 PM
"I swallowed my wrist watch by accident yesterday, Harry."

"Good heavens! Does it hurt?"

"Only when I wind it."


Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 29th of June 2005 01:25:19 PM
Funny Instruction Labels

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)



Druhim_Vanashta
Wednesday 29th of June 2005 03:22:30 PM
That was hilarious, Dawn. Thanks for the laughs.


SDX
Thursday 30th of June 2005 05:14:49 AM
Two rules for life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.


Dawnlorraine
Thursday 30th of June 2005 07:16:33 AM
Chelle;)

Answering Machine Messages :

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

4. Hi. Now you say something.

5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!

8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

10. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.

11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now or carving up a steak for the pit bull and the rottweiller, and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave a message.

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to, remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

15. Hello, you've reached Paul and Molly. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Molly likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right . . . really slowly. So leave a message; and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.




lovely95076
Saturday 02nd of July 2005 11:09:32 AM
This is one of my husbands favorite bad jokes.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist!


Anya
Sunday 03rd of July 2005 04:02:42 AM
Q: Why was the blood donation unsuccessful?

A: Because it was all in vein.


Gijs
Sunday 03rd of July 2005 04:46:43 PM
Q: Are you from W(h)ales?

A: No,I'm from humans.


Zora
Monday 04th of July 2005 03:57:11 AM
*on a packet of raisons*
try tossing over your breakfast cerial.

*on a hand dryer*
do not opperate with wet hands



Gijs
Monday 04th of July 2005 05:27:45 PM
An executive was interviewing a young woman for a position
in his company. He wanted to find out something about her
personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with
anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The girl responded confidently, "The living one!"

She didn't get the job.




Mathieu
Tuesday 05th of July 2005 02:14:54 AM
Originally posted by Gijs


Q: Are you from W(h)ales?

A: No,I'm from humans.


Reminds me of:

> Butcher, do you have chicken legs?

< No, it's just the way i walk.

:p


Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 06th of July 2005 08:30:28 AM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson (Rated PG)


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said
Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some has stolen our tent."



Duffie
Wednesday 06th of July 2005 09:04:41 AM
What's invisible and smells like bananas?









Monkey burps.


Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 06th of July 2005 11:46:46 AM
Is Hell Endothermic or Exothermic? (Rated PG)



Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical Engineering Department,University of Oklahoma, is known for posing questions on final exams like: "Why do airplanes fly?"

In May a few years ago, the "Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer " exam paper contained the question:

"Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or similar. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rateare souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I thinkwe can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.

[Answer 1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

[Answer 2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate (given to me by Teresa Banyan during freshman year) that "it'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then [Answer 2] cannot be correct;
...... thus, Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.



Druhim_Vanashta
Wednesday 06th of July 2005 06:52:05 PM
In honor of my new avatar I will post these.

Two dogs encounter each other of the street. One barks and the other says "moo". The first dog is startled and asks "Why did you just say 'moo'?" The other dog replies, "I am trying to learn a foreign language."



Two dogs are walking down the street and come across a parking meter. One dog looks at the other and says, "How do you like that? Pay toilets!"




Dawnlorraine
Thursday 07th of July 2005 06:50:55 AM
:))Chelle, I'm teary-eyed from laughing here!


George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard:

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3. Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it". If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

6. Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.

8. Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. . . . Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

9. Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

10. * MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!




Joe
Thursday 07th of July 2005 07:24:19 AM
A couple of dog jokes...just for Chelle...

Two guys are walking their dogs. One guy had a Doberman, the other a Chihuahua.

As they were walking, they passed a bar and wanted to get in. But there was a sign in the window that said: NO PETS ALLOWED!

So the guy with the Doberman said, "Let's go in as blind men with seeing-eye dogs!" They agreed that the guy with the oberman would go in first. The first guy told the barkeep that the Doberman was his seeing-eye dog, so he got in. When the second guy tried to get in, the barkeep said, "Excuse me sir but, Chihuahuas aren't seeing-eye dogs!"

And the second guy said," WHAT? THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?!!"

_____________________________________________________________

What do you get if you cross a dog with a bottle of shampoo?

A shampoodle!



Dawnlorraine
Friday 08th of July 2005 08:38:35 AM
How Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the
middle of a desert.

Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they
created a night watchman position and hired a person for the
job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job
without instruction?" So they created a planning department
and hired two people, one person to write the instructions,
and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is
doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control
department and hired two people. One to do the studies and
one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get
paid?" So they created the following positions, a time
keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of
these people?" So they created an administrative section and
hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant
Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation
for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback
overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.


cornfed
Saturday 09th of July 2005 06:03:19 AM
Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?

A. Ground Beef.


Dawnlorraine
Saturday 09th of July 2005 06:39:53 AM
What's black and white and red all over?

- Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.



Joe
Sunday 10th of July 2005 07:43:49 PM
Got this via email the other day...

An old Italian man lived alone in the country.
He wanted to dig his tomato garden,
but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie


Dawnlorraine
Monday 11th of July 2005 08:26:46 AM
10 reasons to buy a new car...


10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

9. Instead of an air bag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.

7. The 15 minute JiffyLube needs to keep your car for 3 days.

6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"

5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal "The Club."

4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.

3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.

2. You keep losing dates on left turns.

1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.


cornfed
Tuesday 12th of July 2005 08:28:22 AM
Bush and Powell Plan World War III: George Bush and Colin Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"

The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"



Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 13th of July 2005 06:24:52 AM
Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet ?

Player: I finished it in three days !



Joe
Thursday 14th of July 2005 12:27:22 AM
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The second old guy says, "Well, she's 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter let's look for yours."


Ulven
Thursday 14th of July 2005 01:53:18 AM
Incase you're unfamiliar with Australia's history, white man Australia was founded as a British prison. A Swede (Hoogard) told me this joke.

A Swedish guy was planning on migrating to Australia, so went to the Immigration Bureau. He had to go through an interview.
Clerk: Name?
Client: Hoogard
Clerk: Age?
Client: 25
Clerk: Do you have a criminal record?
Client: Do they still require those?



Dawnlorraine
Thursday 14th of July 2005 06:53:30 AM
Dorito Syndrome (noun)

Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."



Grinner
Thursday 14th of July 2005 09:03:49 AM
Dave the scouse is touring the US on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He’s chatting to the bartender when he spies an old Native American (Red Indian?) sitting in the corner – complete with full tribal gear, long white plaits and wrinkled face. ‘Who's he?’' asks Dave. ‘That's the Memory Man,’ says the bartender. ‘He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.’ So Dave wanders over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks: ‘Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?’ ‘Liverpool,’ replies the Memory Man, instantly. Dave is amazed. ‘Who did they beat?' ‘Leeds,’ comes the reply – again, quick as a flash. ‘And the score?’ The wise brave does not hesitate: ‘Two-one.’ Thinking that details may fox him, Dave tries something more specific. ‘Who scored the winning goal?’ he asks. The Red Indian doesn’t even blink: ‘Ian St John.’ The Liverpudlian is flabbergasted and, returning home, he regales his relatives and friends with his tale. But it’s not enough – and soon he’s determined to return and meet this amazing man again.
Ten years later he’s saved enough money, and returns to the States. After weeks of searching through the towns of Nevada, Dave finds the Memory Man in a cave in the mountains – older, more wrinkled, resplendent in his warpaint and headdress. Humbled by this vision, the scouser steps forward, bows and greets the brave in the traditional native tongue: ‘How.’ The Memory Man squints at him. ‘Diving header in the six-yard box,’ he says.



...joe l, your last one was priceless! hoot!!!


Ulven
Thursday 14th of July 2005 06:08:48 PM
1 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

2
Q: Why are women's problems called PMS?
A: Because "Mad Cow's Disease" is already taken.

*Ulvie ducks for cover*


chelle73
Thursday 14th of July 2005 06:58:45 PM
Liver and Cheese


Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.



The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."



"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"



"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.



He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says ........






"Liver alone. Cheese mine."




cornfed
Saturday 16th of July 2005 10:48:49 AM
Did you hear about the nun who had a sex change operation? She was a transister.




Joe
Wednesday 20th of July 2005 08:09:19 PM
The couple had been debating the purchase of a new vehicle for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look," she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in four seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services for his funeral are pending.


Dawnlorraine
Friday 22nd of July 2005 08:37:48 AM
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.


dj_ghostly_licks
Friday 22nd of July 2005 08:16:13 PM
whats pink and fluffy? pink fluff.

whats blue and fluffy? pink fluff holding its breath.

so sad, but there you go.


Dawnlorraine
Saturday 23rd of July 2005 06:35:20 AM
A SOAP STORY
What To Do With All Those Free Soaps When Travelling

Here is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.


Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my Way.
Thank you,
S. Berman


Dear Room 238,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid



Dear Maid I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on
the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.

Please remove them.
S. Berman



Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.I didn't remove the 3 complimentary sOaps which are always placed
inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty


Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apolOgies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper


Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman


Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman


Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.

Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman


Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know
anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:

- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of
4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser
- 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser
- 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1
stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside medicine cabinet
- 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish
- 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub
- 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On northwest corner of tub
- 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks areneatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.
S. Berman





phoenix9861
Saturday 23rd of July 2005 11:46:47 AM
oh man!!!: great enteries. i was laughing hysterically.

i got a greek joke in english of course.

A husband and wife had a bouncing baby boy. They were decidiing wat to name him. The father wanted to name him after his father, Lukos and the mother wanted to name him after her father, Nikos. They argued and argued and finally came to an agreement and they named the boy Lukanikos.

FYI: Lukanikos in Greek means Sausage.


grinner
Tuesday 26th of July 2005 12:01:51 PM
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

p.s. i love the irish, i really do! :)

-x-

'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."


Dawnlorraine
Thursday 28th of July 2005 07:51:12 AM
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.



phoenix9861
Thursday 28th of July 2005 09:45:07 PM
One day a girl went to church for confession.
'Bless me father for I have sinned'
so the priest asked "wat is it my child?"
'father I have committed the sin of vanity. every day i would look in the mirror twice and tell myself how beautiful I am.'
so the priest takes a good look at her and says 'Child I have good news for you. It wasn't a sin, it was a mistake'


phoenix9861
Thursday 28th of July 2005 09:46:00 PM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson (Rated PG)


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said
Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some has stolen our tent."



Beaver6423
Friday 29th of July 2005 12:27:50 AM
What do you call a boat at the bottom of the ocean that twitches?

A nervous wreck


Dawnlorraine
Friday 29th of July 2005 06:28:42 AM
A man, flying in a hot air balloon, suddenly realizes he's lost.

He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in IT" says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "you must work in management."

"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how'd you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault !




jvz8a
Friday 29th of July 2005 11:21:58 AM
[Sí, las queremos como son :D]

http://www.geocities.com/ekauranium/rcs_3.gif

http://www.geocities.com/ekauranium/rcs_2.jpg

http://www.geocities.com/ekauranium/rcs_4.gif


Dawnlorraine
Saturday 30th of July 2005 07:01:56 AM
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.



ulven
Sunday 31st of July 2005 10:39:29 AM
Danish: *I changed the brand names for familiarity. (I think a Dodge is a shonky old rustbucket in USA?)

Q: En Ford og en Lada kører om kap på en bilkirkegård. Hvem vinder?
A: Det gør Lada'en. Den er på hjemmebane.

Q: A Ford and a Dodge race around a junkyard. Who wins?
A: The Dodge does. It has the homeground advantage.

-

Nu er der en Lada'ejer, der kommer i Guiness Rekordbog.
Han kom over Valby bakke i første forsøg.

A Dodge driver has now made the Guiness Book of Records.
He made it up a hill on the first try.



Q: Hvorfor er der ikke bakspejl i en Skoda?
A: Der kører jo aldrig nogen bagefter.

Q: Why doesn't a Dodge have a rear-view mirror?
A: Because there's never any cars behind.


*Skoda = a brand of European car

Q: Hvorfor er der næsten ingen Shoka'er i Sverige?
A: Der er hundrede af kilometre mellem værksteder, der tør gå i gang med at reparere en Skoda.

Q: Why are there hardly any Skoda's in Sweden?
A: There are hundreds of kilometre between repare stations in Sweden, and a Skoda's never made to one.

-

Anyway, that's my shonky attempt at translating jokes. (The last joke, I'm sure is incorrectly translated, but I took liberties with it). When I understand some others in this Danish joke book I'm reading, I'll torture you with more of them.


Druhim_Vanashta
Sunday 31st of July 2005 01:57:56 PM
OK, "shonky" definitely needs to be defined in the Expressions thread. That has to be an Aussie word (or else one that Ulven just made up himself).






Stine
Sunday 31st of July 2005 06:16:14 PM
Originally posted by ulven




Q: Hvorfor er der næsten ingen Shoka'er i Sverige?
A: Der er hundrede af kilometre mellem værksteder, der tør gå i gang med at reparere en Skoda.

Q: Why are there hardly any Skoda's in Sweden?
A: There are hundreds of kilometre between repare stations in Sweden, and a Skoda's never made to one.

-

Anyway, that's my shonky attempt at translating jokes. (The last joke, I'm sure is incorrectly translated, but I took liberties with it). When I understand some others in this Danish joke book I'm reading, I'll torture you with more of them.


A: Der er hundrede af kilometer mellem værksteder, der tør gå i gang med at reparere en Skoda.

A: There are hundreds of kilometre between repare stations, which dare repairing a Skoda.

Hmm, think it would be something like that ;)


Stine
Sunday 31st of July 2005 06:19:25 PM
To skilte stod og snakkede. Så spørger det ene det andet: "Er du gift?" Det andet svarer: "Nej, jeg er skilt" :p

Two signs were talking. One of them asks the other: Are you married? The other one answers: No, I'm divorced

Makes more sense in Danish, ja :p


Druhim_Vanashta
Sunday 31st of July 2005 06:56:18 PM
A baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The baby seal answers, "Anything but a Canadian Club."





Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 03rd of August 2005 07:38:16 AM
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.



ulven
Wednesday 03rd of August 2005 05:51:29 PM
I made up a joke:p. I hope Freja isn't watching *fear*.

Q: What does a Swede do when he mumbles in his sleep?
A: Speaks Danish.


Joe
Wednesday 03rd of August 2005 11:35:26 PM
Once upon a time an evil king captured a princess and held her captive in his high tower. Though she was very beautiful, the evil king forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress. "You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave knight will come and rescue me!" The evil king replied, "Not in that thing!" She waited day and night, but it was just as the evil king had said. Every knight who saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her disgusting, smelly burlap dress. After many months, the princess broke down crying. The evil king taunted the princess, "You see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!"


Stine
Thursday 04th of August 2005 04:16:17 AM
Originally posted by ulven


I made up a joke:p. I hope Freja isn't watching *fear*.

Q: What does a Swede do when he mumbles in his sleep?
A: Speaks Danish.

Haha, Ulv! Jeg holder altid øje med dig ;) Men bare rolig. Du har intet at frygte - det kunne være værre :p


phoenix9861
Thursday 04th of August 2005 07:23:06 AM
this kinda bad: three nuns went up to a priest and told him that they wanted to commit sins. so the priest gave them permission and told them that he will bless them after they sin. so the nuns go out commit their sins and come back to the priest to be blessed.
the first nun comes up laughing hysterically so the priest asks her wat her sin was. so she said she had sex with a guy. so the priest blesses her and tells her to drink some Holy water.
the second nun comes in laughing even harder so the priest asker wat her sin was. so she said she fought with another nun. so he blesses her and also tells her to drink some Holy water.
the third nun comes in and she was laughing so hard that tears were pouring down her face. so the priest asks her wat her sin was and she says "I pissed in the Holy water".


Dawnlorraine
Thursday 04th of August 2005 12:53:51 PM
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?



Joe
Friday 05th of August 2005 12:55:13 AM
What do you call a chicken crossing the street?

Poultry in motion


Dawnlorraine
Friday 05th of August 2005 08:54:00 AM
How to catch a red elephant
First, bake a cake and put five raisins on top of it. Then bring the cake and go through the yellow elephant forest, the orange elephant forest, the green elephant forest and the blue elephant forest until you get to the red elephant forest. Find yourself a large clearing and put the cake in the middle of it and hide behind a tree.
After a little while, you will hear the elephant: "Look, raisins! My favourite!", and the elephant will come and eat the cake.
Then you go home through the blue elephant forest, the green elephant forest, the orange elephant forest and the yellow elephant forest.

Then, bake a new cake and put four raisins on top of it. Then bring the cake and go through the yellow elephant forest, the orange elephant forest, the green elephant forest and the blue elephant forest until you get to the red elephant forest. Find yourself a large clearing and put the cake in the middle of it and hide behind a tree.
After a little while, you will hear the elephant: "Look, raisins! My favourite!", and the elephant will come and eat the cake.
Then you go home through the blue elephant forest, the green elephant forest, the orange elephant forest and the yellow elephant forest.

Then, bake a new cake and put three raisins on top of it. Then bring the cake and go through the yellow elephant forest, the orange elephant forest, the green elephant forest and the blue elephant forest until you get to the red elephant forest. Find yourself a large clearing and put the cake in the middle of it and hide behind a tree.
After a little while, you will hear the elephant: "Look, raisins! My favourite!", and the elephant will come and eat the cake.
Then you go home through the blue elephant forest, the green elephant forest, the orange elephant forest and the yellow elephant forest.

Then, bake a new cake and put two raisins on top of it. Then bring the cake and go through the yellow elephant forest, the orange elephant forest, the green elephant forest and the blue elephant forest until you get to the red elephant forest. Find yourself a large clearing and put the cake in the middle of it and hide behind a tree.
After a little while, you will hear the elephant: "Look, raisins! My favourite!", and the elephant will come and eat the cake.
Then you go home through the blue elephant forest, the green elephant forest, the orange elephant forest and the yellow elephant forest.

Then, bake a new cake and put one raisin on top of it. Then bring the cake and go through the yellow elephant forest, the orange elephant forest, the green elephant forest and the blue elephant forest until you get to the red elephant forest. Find yourself a large clearing and put the cake in the middle of it and hide behind a tree.
After a little while, you will hear the elephant: "Look, raisins! My favourite!", and the elephant will come and eat the cake.
Then you go home through the blue elephant forest, the green elephant forest, the orange elephant forest and the yellow elephant forest.

Then, bake a new cake, but this time don't put any raisins on top of it. Then bring the cake and go through the yellow elephant forest, the orange elephant forest, the green elephant forest and the blue elephant forest until you get to the red elephant forest. Find yourself a large clearing and put the cake in the middle of it and hide behind a tree.
After a little while, you will hear the elephant: "WHAT! NO RAISINS??!!", and he will be so angry that he turns all red. Then catch it, and you have caught a red elephant.




Joe
Friday 05th of August 2005 08:19:18 PM
Why do most people have trouble obtaining blood transfusions in Taiwan?

Because they only have Taipei.


Miikka
Saturday 06th of August 2005 01:03:05 AM
kuuluisia viimeisiä sanoja: anna ku isä näyttää
tuon jälkeen se laski alas stiigalla poikansa kanssa mäkeä alas, huomas jalkansa olevan jumissa, heitti poikansa pois ja osui hyppyriin. Lonkkaluu 2 kohtaa murtunut
tosi tarina, mutta ei tapahtunut minun isälleni


Dawnlorraine
Saturday 06th of August 2005 07:33:56 AM
Fork, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.




ulven
Saturday 06th of August 2005 03:05:18 PM
Originally posted by dawn lorraine


If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
You'd hope so!:D


kyokiru
Monday 08th of August 2005 09:43:02 AM
A Canadian person posted this on a board my mom reads:

The population of Canada is 30 million. 11 million are retired, that leaves 19 million to do the work.

There are 5.5 million in school, which leaves 13.5 million to do the work. Of this there are 3 million employed by the federal government, leaving 10.5 million to do the work. 1 million are in the armed forces, a percentage of which are preoccupied with killing Terrorists, which leaves 9.5 million to do the work. Take from that total the 7 million people who work for Provincial and city Governments, and that leaves 2.5 million to do the work. At any given time, there are 476,000 people in hospitals, leaving 2,024,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons and 812,000 on Employment Insurance and Welfare.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.




Dawnlorraine
Monday 08th of August 2005 09:58:44 AM
lol

Funny Headlines:

-Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

-Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

-Farmer Bill Dies in House

-Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

-Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

-Steals Clock, Faces Time

-Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

-Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

-Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

-Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock
Us

-Latin Course To Be CanceledNo Interest Among
Students, Et Al.

-Diaper Market Bottoms Out

-Croupiers On StrikeManagement: "No Big Deal"

-Stadium Air Conditioning FailsFans Protest




sonikuri
Monday 08th of August 2005 06:30:53 PM
hindi jokes:

Hindi Filmi Dialogues
Anonymous


View Reader Comments (4)


How many times have you heard these in Hindi Films?

* The classic: "main tumhaare bachche ki maan banne waali hoon."

* The eternal reason for being the victim of anything that can happen to you in hindi films :
" Mai gareeb hoon na , isliye ...."

* A main character in the movie will go to the temple and say :
"Bhagwan mainey tumse aaj tak kuch nahin maanga....."

* Old hindi movie : "Aiye ji sunte ho.. Aap bade woh hein."

* Lover-girl to leaving lover-boy : "Mai tumhare bina nahin jee sakti "

* "Kanoon ke haath bahut lambe hote hein"

* "Rukjao! kanoon ko apne haath mein mat lo"

* Judge announcing his decision in filmi court : "Gawaaoon key bayaanat aur saboot ko madde nazar rakhtey Taz-e-raat-e-hind, dafaa 302 ke tahet , muzrim ko sazaaye maut di jaati hai"

* "Muzrim ko ba-izzat bari kiya jaata hai"

* "Main is Geeta per haath rakhkar yeh saugandh leta hoon ki jo bhi kahoonga sach kahoonga, aur sach ke siva kuch nahin kahoonga."

* "Inspector! Giraftaar karlo issey"

* "Raam Raam kaaka"

* "Jug Jug jiyo beta "

* "Ab hum kisi ko muh dikhaane ke layak nahin rahe"

* "Kya issi din ke liye tujhe paal pos ke bada kiya tha?"

* Typical farmer ka dialogue : "mainey is zameen ko apne khoon sey seencha hai"

* Hero/heroine after opening their eyes in the hospital : "Main kahan hoon?"

* "Mai kahti hoon, Door ho jaa meri nazron sey"

* "Is ghar ke darwaaze, tumhare liye hamesha ke liye band hein"

* A Prem-Chopra-type villian to the heroine/village belle : "In gori gori kalaiyon ko kaam karne ki kya zaroorat hai"

* "Chhod do mujhe, bhagwaan ke liye chhod do"

* "Maine tumhe kya samjha, Aur tum kya nikley!"

* Doctor : " Ab Sab oopar waale key haath mein hai"

* Doctor : "Chowbees ghante tak hosh nahin aiya to ..... "

* "Agar Maa ka doodh piya hai to saamne aa."

* "Jyaada hoshiayari karne ki koshish maat karna "

* Amitabh in many movies : " Nahin chhodunga tujhe. Jaan sey maar daaloonga."

* "Bhagwaan pe bharosa rakho. Sab thik ho jaiye ga"

* "Woh ek gandi naali ka keeda hai"

* "Woh kutte ki maut marega "

* "Ajji sunte ho , munna ke pitajee "

* Rich father to son : " Ek phooti kaudi nahin doonga "

* "Zamaane ne thokar laga-laga ke is dil ko paththar bana diya"

* Dharmendra in many movies : " Kutte! Kamine ! ....."

* Dharmendra : "Chun Chun ke maaroonga, ek-ek ko chun chun ke maroonga"

* Lalita Pawar in many scenes : " Chudeil! Kide pade tere ....."

* The favoirite emotional blackmail : "Tune yeh kiya to tu mere mara muh dekhegi "

* All filmi chowkidaars : " Shhalaam Shhaab!"

* Inspector Iftekar on a megaphone : " Apne aap ko police ke hawaale kar do. Police ne chaaron taraf sey tumhe gher liya hai. Apne hathiyaar phenk do "

* "Bhaagne ki koshish mat karna"

* "pulice ko tum jaise naujawaanon per naaz hai"

* The classic : " Thairo! Yeh shaadi nahin ho sakti !"

* The villian's sidekick : "Boss! Maal pakda gaya "

* "Bol! Bol heere kahan chuppa rakhe hai "

* "Ab tumhari maa hamare kabze mein hai"
"Agar tum paanch llaakh leker, silver beech ke puraney killey pe nahin aiye, to mai usse bum se udaa doongaa"

* "Yeh sauda tumhe bahut mehnga padega"

* "Jo sheeshe ke gharon mein rehte hein, woh doosron pe paththar nahin phenkte"

* "Hum woh hein jo paththar ko kaanch se tod-liya karte hein"

* - The stereotypical announcer : "Bhaiyon aur behnon ...." "Ladies and Gentelmen ..."
- Mehmood, the announcer : "Ladies and Ledas ...."

* "Mai tumahara aihsaan zindagi bhar nahin bhoolonga"

* "Itnay paise tum kahan sey laiye ?"

* "Police mere peeche lagi hui hai .."

* "Tum mere liye mar chuke ho"

* "Ghar mein do-do jawaan betiyaan hein"

* "Lo! - Muh meetha karo"

* "Hato naa! Log kya kahenge"

* "Khabardaar jo mujhe haath bhi lagayaa .."

* "Aarre! isse to tez bukhaar hai"

* "Aaj Pinky ka janam din hai"

* "Gurkha, isse dhakke maarke bahar nikaal do"

* Nirupa roy's favourite "Ek baar mujhe maa kehkar pukaro beta"

* "... mujhe tumhaare is behte hue khoon ki kasam ...."

* "Beti, tu to paraya dhan hai"

* "Zabaan ko lagaam do .."

* "Pesh hai duniya ke jaane-maane kalakaar, Miss Renu"

* On a suhaagraat nite, wife to husband : " Doodh pee lijiya"

* "Hume tedi anguli se ghee nikaalna aata hai"

* "Kutte ki dum tedi-ki-tedi hi rehti hai"

* "Bhabhi, tumhare haath ki chai peene ko man kar raha hai"

* "Tune mere peeth pe chura bhoka hai"




Specific dialogues :
Hapless victim: " Bhagwaan ke liye mujhe chhod do!"
Shakti Kapoor : " Aaare bhagwaan ke liye chhod doon to mai kya karoon? prasaad khaoon?"





Utpal Dutt to his daughter in GolMaal : "Tumhari shaadi usse nahin hogi jisse tum pyaar karti ho, balki usse hogi jisse mai pyaar karta hoon."





"SHOLAY" involving GABBAR SINGH (AMZAD KHAN) and his CHAMCHAS.
GABBAR - Kitne aadami the ?
SAMBHA - Do, Sarkar..
GABBAR - Woh do the aur tum char, Phir bhi tum log wapas aa gaye...
Haramzado, Gabbar ka naam mitti main mila diya...
Iskee sazaa milegi, jaroor milegee...



GABBAR - Tera kya hoga, re Sambha ?
SAMBHA - Maine to aapka namak khaaya hai, Sarkar..
GABBAR - To aab goli bhi kha le...





Dharmendra is up on top of the water tower threatening to commit suicide and is very drunk. Down below there are many villagers watching the drama unfold, and this classic situation involves two of these fine gentlemen - G1, and G2.
Dh: Gaon vaalon, mein vahi karoonga jo Heer ne Ranjha ke liye kiya tha, Romeo ne Juliet ke liye kiya tha - sosait, sosait, sossaait (suicide).
G1: Arre bhai, yeh sossaait kya hota hai?
G2: Arre bhai, jub ungrez marte hain, to usey sossaait kehte hain!!!!

Hats off to the genius who wrote the dialogues!





Hope you enjoy this TOOTI PHOOTI Hindi / English!

The movie is Jaane Bhi Do Yaaro:
The funniest line in the film was probably when Naseeruddin Shah takes over the role of Duryodhana in the MABHARATA play and says
"Meine Draupadi ka cheer-haran ka idea DROP kar diya hai"
(I've dropped the idea of denuding Draupadi )

Om Puri who has taken over Bhim's role is for stripping Draupadi, while Duryodhan (Naseeruddin?) is AGAINST it...

When Yudhishtir, played by some sidey actor tries to stop Draupadi (who is played by Satish Shah's dead body,) from being stripped of "her" clothes, and Om Puri (Bhim) roughs up this

Yudhishtir dude saying:
"Abey Oy, tu kaun hota hai bolne waala, ham bhi to Draupadi mein shareholderrr hai!"





This dialogue is from the movie Namak Halaal. The scene is the one in which Amitabh is introduced to Ranjeet by Ram Sethi for the first time in the movie.

Ranjeet: Yeh sab to theek hai, magar angrezi vangrezi aati hai ya nahi.

Amitabh: E lo kar lo baat. Are aisi angrezi ave hain ke I can leave angrez behind. I can talk english, I can walk english, I can laugh english, because english is a funny language. Bhairon becomes barren and barren becomes Bhairon because their minds are very narrow. In the year 1929 when India was playing Australia at the melbourne stadium Vijay Hazare and Vijay Merchant were at the crease. Vijay Merchant told Vijay Hazare. look Vijay Hazare, this is a very prestigious match and we must consider it very prestigiously. We must take this into consideration, the consideration that this is an important match and ultimately this consideration must end in a run.

Ranjeet: O.K., O.K.

Amitabh: In the year 1979 when Pakistan was playing against India at the Wankhade stadium Wasim Raja and Wasim Bari were at the crease and they took the same consideration. Wasim Raja told Wasim Bari, look Wasim Bari, we must consider this consideration and considering that this is an important match we must put this consideration into action and ultimately score a run. And both of them considered the consideration and ran and both of them got out.

Ranjeet: O shut up.





On similar lines:

Low life goondaa "eve-teasing" the heroine is accosted by a mean-looking crowd.
Man 1: Tumhaare ghar mein kyaa maa, behen nahi hai?
Ranjeet's rejoinder: Maa, behen to hai; lekin biwi nahi hai!
Audience Member: Abbe maaro saale ko!!





Heroine's Father/Mother:
Kullachchini, maine tujhe issi liye paal-pos ke badaa kiya thaa ke tu mujhe yeh din dekhaaye?!

Mom: Kalmoohi! Maine tujhe issi din dekhne ne liye paidaa kiya thaa! Ke tu mere peeth peechey gulcharrey udhatee phirre!?

Dad: Haraamzaadey! Teri itni himmat! Meri beti par dorey daalta hai! Teri haesiyat he kya hai?

Raaj Kumar: Arre jaani, jaane bhi do. Do pyaar bharey dil hain. Gulcharrey nahi udhaengey to kya world affairs discuss karengey kya?


artemisa
Tuesday 09th of August 2005 07:54:22 AM
Sucky joke: Dos hombres oyen por la radio que los zapatos de cocodrilo son muy valiosos y deciden ir a cazar cocodrilos para ganar un poco de dinero. Lograron cazar aproximadamente cincuenta y cuando ya uno de ellos caza otro cocodrilo le dice a su amigo: "Pues, voy a tratar una vez más, pero si no le veo puesto zapatos al proximo, me voy."


earthfire
Tuesday 09th of August 2005 08:50:28 PM
chinese vesion of this joke: Originally posted by Druhim Vanashta


ROTFLMAO

Oh my god, I love this thread!!

How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
Step one: Open the door.
Step two: Put the elephant in.
Step three: Close the door.






How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Step one: Open the door.
Step two: Take the elephant out.
Step three: Put the giraffe in.
Step four: Close the door.







If an elephant and a giraffe had a race, who would win?
The elephant. The giraffe is in the refrigerator.


*Ulven, glad I could give your mom a laugh. Truthfully I think its kind of cool that I can make people on the other side of the globe laugh.

*Joe, you kind of have a thing for cruelty to seeing-eye dogs, don't you?



How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
Step one: Open the door.
Step two: Put the elephant in.
Step three: Close the door.






How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Step one: Open the door.
Step two: Take the elephant out.
Step three: Put the giraffe in.
Step four: Close the door.


Animals in forest are enjoying a party but one is absent, who is he?
giraffe


A monkey was going to cross a river in which lived a crocodile, he thought for a while and made it, how did the monkey pass the river?
he swam, cause the crocodile had been to the party.



Joe
Wednesday 10th of August 2005 10:26:25 AM
What kind of brush do you use to comb a bee's hair?

A honey comb


Joe
Wednesday 10th of August 2005 10:54:24 PM
A joke for Ulven...

What do wolves say when they are introduced?

"Howl do you do?"


Joe
Wednesday 10th of August 2005 10:55:02 PM
Whats green and fluffy and comes from mars?

a martian-mellow


Dawnlorraine
Thursday 11th of August 2005 12:00:56 PM
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!



Joe
Thursday 11th of August 2005 06:59:54 PM
What kind of trees sew?

Pine trees, they always have needles around


Dawnlorraine
Friday 12th of August 2005 09:00:30 AM
Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.




grinner
Friday 12th of August 2005 12:26:55 PM
How do you make a baby drink?
Stick it in the blender.

-x-


A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"


grinner
Friday 12th of August 2005 12:47:10 PM
A blind man walked into a department store with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the store floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. The manager ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"
The man turned toward the manager and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."


Dawnlorraine
Friday 12th of August 2005 01:22:18 PM
Two police paramedics jump into the surf to rescue a couple whose boat has foundered in rough seas. After an exhausting swim to the boat, the medics fit the woman into a life vest.
All during the rescue she keeps yelling that her husband is a lawyer and he is going to sue the pants off the company that rented them the boat. The cops instruct the husband to stay in the boat while they swim to shore with his wife. As the cops turn around to swim back out to rescue the man, they see him coming toward the shore, standing upright, riding on the backs of two huge sharks! As he hops off the sharks onto the beach, the husband shrugs his shoulders in response to the astonished looks on the cop's faces. He gestured back to the sharks and said, "Professional Courtesy".


Dawnlorraine
Friday 12th of August 2005 01:27:39 PM
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?



Dawnlorraine
Friday 12th of August 2005 01:28:47 PM
Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards
is Naive?



Dawnlorraine
Friday 12th of August 2005 01:35:24 PM
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?



Joe
Saturday 13th of August 2005 05:47:08 AM
what did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date?

"shore"


Joe
Saturday 13th of August 2005 05:47:35 AM
how does a man on the moon get his hair cut?

eclipse it


Dawnlorraine
Saturday 13th of August 2005 07:44:28 AM
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?




Julianita
Saturday 13th of August 2005 08:31:31 AM
im gonna post a bad joke in spanish:D:

habia una vez un enano que se tiro un pedo y lo revolco!


DonP45
Saturday 13th of August 2005 02:32:15 PM
Well, I have scad loads of jokes, but they aren't BAD per se, they just reek up the area... Here's my first post:

Q: Who was Tonto looking for in the bank?
A: The Loan Arranger

Q: What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
A: "Satisfaction guaranteed or your mummy back"

I have many more of the same... :P


Joe
Saturday 13th of August 2005 10:17:25 PM
keep 'em coming Don... I love bad jokes! Nice to have another fellow Pennsylvanian here - I'm from Pittsburgh (and learning Russian as well!). Welcome!

What did the man say when the picture fell on his head?

"I've been framed"


phoenix9861
Monday 15th of August 2005 03:15:41 AM
wat kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
boo boos

why is the Red Sea red?
cuz Queen Cleo used to have periodical bath there


phoenix9861
Monday 15th of August 2005 03:35:23 AM
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he will be rather busy, it being the first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!". The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down. the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"



ArAiNhA
Monday 15th of August 2005 05:31:30 AM
There once was a man who wanted to buy a horse. He went to a church yard where they were selling horses. The man looks around a finally picks out the one he wants. He asks how much the horse is and the man selling them says $500. "This horse is a special horse you know as it was raised in this church." says the salesman, "To get this horse to start you must say 'praise the Lord' and to get it to stop, you must say 'amen.'" The new owner pays and says, "thank you, i will remember that" He says "praise the Lord" and rides off.

As he is going along, he sees that he is approaching a cliff very rapidly. In a panicked attempt to stop the horse he yells "whoa! ...uh...stop!" and then he remembers the words, and just as the horse (who only starts and stops on command) is about to ride right off the edge, the man yells "AMEN!!!" and the horse stops just in time. The man is so overcome with joy he says "Praise the Lord!"


Dawnlorraine
Monday 15th of August 2005 09:53:17 AM
This is just for fun...no offense meant.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?



Eagle_2005
Tuesday 16th of August 2005 05:57:03 AM
so there are these two college kids with mid-terms the next day...but being the procrastinators that they are they decide to, you know, go out...party...get drunk...the usual weekend things rather than study.

well... the next day they realize how big of a screw-up they had made. and so they went to class and immediately start pleading with the professor to give them an extension on the testing date due to their being unprepared for the midterm because, as they said, the night before their tire blew out preventing them from studying...the professor agreed and told them that they would take their mid-term the next morning.

that night the students crammed and in the morning they went in to take their mid-terms...the professor put them in separate rooms and handed each a slip of paper with two questions on it and bade them good luck...well they started to read the first question: for one point, what is the nucleus of an atom made up of?...well they answered the question and comforted themselves with the thought of the test not being quite as hard as what they had thought it to be...they went on to the next question: for 99 points, which tire was it?


Joe
Tuesday 16th of August 2005 07:31:27 AM
Why did the man throw his margarine?

He wanted to see the butter fly


Dawnlorraine
Tuesday 16th of August 2005 09:42:04 AM
Lawsuit, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.




Dawnlorraine
Tuesday 16th of August 2005 09:45:50 AM
Weather forecast for tonight:

Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.




Eagle_2005
Tuesday 16th of August 2005 10:20:12 AM
a foreigner wants to come to the United States... but before s/he does s/he wants to learn some english.

so s/he goes to an English opera and hears a singer warming up with "mi,mi,mi"...then s/he goes to a restaurant and overhears a manager training a waiter and saying "forks and knives, forks and knives", afterward s/he decides to go to a candy shop and hears an excited child telling his grandfather "Goody, Goody, Gumdrops!!!", and finally s/he visits a convenience store and hears a Glade commercial saying "plug it in, plug it in!"

So s/he is walking home and stumbles upon the body of a dead man...well the foreigner calls the cops and one is soon on the scene...the cop then procedes to ask the foreigner questions like "Who did this?" to which the foreigner answers "Mi,mi,mi"...then the cop asks "well how'd you do it?" the foreigner replies "forks and Knives, Forks and Knives"...then the cop says, "you know you're gonna go to prison." to which the foreigner says " Goody, Goody, Gumdrops!"...the cop says, "you'll probably get the electric chair,too." and the foreigner replies "Plug it in, Plug it in!"


Joe
Wednesday 17th of August 2005 07:24:54 AM
What is green, red, and runs 100 mph?

a frog in a blender


Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 17th of August 2005 12:36:58 PM
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?


Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 17th of August 2005 12:41:30 PM
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her newboyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.




Joe
Thursday 18th of August 2005 04:00:16 AM
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

It has great food, but no atmosphere.


Joe
Thursday 18th of August 2005 04:03:28 AM
really really long joke...: There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.

Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.

"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.

Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.

Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts march!"

So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.

"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."

"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"

"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."

The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.

"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"

"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"

So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.

"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"

"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"

Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.

Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."

Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."

It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."

Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."

The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."

Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."

Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."

It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."

The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."

It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.

Moral: Don't stand up in a boat.


Dawnlorraine
Thursday 18th of August 2005 06:40:56 AM
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.




Dawnlorraine
Thursday 18th of August 2005 06:46:40 AM
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.




Dawnlorraine
Thursday 18th of August 2005 06:48:32 AM
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.




Dawnlorraine
Thursday 18th of August 2005 06:49:01 AM
Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.




Dawnlorraine
Thursday 18th of August 2005 06:52:22 AM
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: Im a female impersonator.




Dawnlorraine
Thursday 18th of August 2005 06:55:16 AM
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out....


tchotto
Friday 19th of August 2005 06:29:19 AM
A Belgian old joke: Hello ! A time to cry ...and a time to laugh !

The power of the Belgians is found in the fact that they are able to laugh about themselves ! Hahaha !
Here is that old Belgian joke :

You all must know that it's a Belgian who invented the seat of toilets about 200 years ago !

But what you don't know is this : It's the grand , grand , grand son of that belgian who , 100 years later , invented the " hole " in it ! hahaha !
Enjoy !


Dawnlorraine
Friday 19th of August 2005 02:41:39 PM
Man: " Do you belivev in love at first site, or do i need to walk by again?"

Woman: I have an idea, walk by again and keep going!




gzimize
Sunday 21st of August 2005 10:48:40 PM
DO YOU WANNA A BAD JOKE???: a boy says to her mother:
mummy, i don't wanna go to Europe anymore!
and his mother says:
shut up and continue swimming!

um menino diz para sua mãe:
mamãe, não quero mais ir para a Europa!
e sua mãe fala:
cala a boca e continua nadando!


Dawnlorraine
Tuesday 23rd of August 2005 06:50:13 AM
A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning." Her husband replied "Well, lots of dogs can do that." The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any!"


candi
Tuesday 23rd of August 2005 12:09:02 PM
How do you kill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?
You strangle it till it turns blue then use the blue elephant gun


crazy_redz
Wednesday 24th of August 2005 02:19:04 AM
One day as i was walking home from work this very old guy was sitting on the bench 'crying'. so i walked up to him and asked wats the matter.
He said, that he was so sad, so very sad.
I asked him why, he goes on to say.
I jus got married to this beautiful young woman who loves me very much for myself not my money, who pays attention to everything i do and gives me the best sex every night, cooks for me too, he rambles on.
So io ask him; wats the problem

I can't remember were i live.


Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 24th of August 2005 06:45:41 AM
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner!


Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 24th of August 2005 06:47:06 AM
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically>asked, "Relatives of yours?" Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."




crazy_redz
Wednesday 24th of August 2005 08:47:45 PM
good one, pity i can't think of one



Dawnlorraine
Friday 26th of August 2005 06:38:23 AM
A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night. The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you!" The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"


Dawnlorraine
Friday 26th of August 2005 06:48:45 AM
Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded her younger birds. 'You turkeys are always into mischief,' she gobbled. 'If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy.




cornfed
Saturday 27th of August 2005 07:41:26 AM
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols from his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."




cornfed
Saturday 27th of August 2005 07:46:39 AM
A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."

The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "Look, I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."



Joe
Wednesday 31st of August 2005 07:31:19 AM
What's the difference between a moose and an ant?

A moose has antlers, but an ant doesn't have mooselers.


Druhim_Vanashta
Wednesday 31st of August 2005 11:06:16 AM
There is a lady struggling having a baby. She is in a great deal of pain, so the doctor brings out four pills and he tells her each of these pills takes away a quarter of the pain, but sends it to the father of the baby.

So she takes one and her husband says "Women are wimps, I feel no pain"

She takes another and her husband says "I still don't feel anything."

So she takes the last two and has no problem having the baby and neither she nor her husband are in pain.

Two days later they come home with the baby and find the mailman is dead on their doorstep.



Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 31st of August 2005 01:05:07 PM
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he did not hear the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh sorry," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."



Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 31st of August 2005 01:05:57 PM
Bigot, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.




Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 31st of August 2005 01:09:09 PM
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. Woody Allen (1935-) American actor, comedian




Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 31st of August 2005 01:13:28 PM
I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients. Oscar Levant


Druhim_Vanashta
Wednesday 31st of August 2005 01:31:45 PM
These are for my Aussie friends. You know who you are. :D



An Englishman wanted to transform himself into an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how he could achieve this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong, but I will need to remove half your brain". "Yeah, that's OK" said the Englishman. "All my life I've wanted to be Irish so I'm prepared to take the risk."
The operation went ahead and sometime later the Englishman awoke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm terribly sorry!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out." The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!





There's a japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.






What's the difference between Aussies and pigs ?

Pigs don't turn into Aussies when they drink.





What's the difference between an Australian and a computer ?

You only have to punch information into a computer once.





How many Aussies does it take to make chocolate chip cookies ?

Ten. One to make the batter, and nine to peel the M&Ms.






What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you ?

Pull the pin and throw it back.




Waits for the inevitable American jokes to pop up now. :p








Druhim_Vanashta
Wednesday 31st of August 2005 01:34:20 PM
Just one more. :D





News Flash!
Australia gets drunk, wakes up in North Atlantic




http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a349/DruhimVanashta/map.jpg


After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.

"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.

According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day (Jan. 26) and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad.

"It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Michael Ewen. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says
Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'"

"Well, it made sense at the time," Ewen added.

By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-aways in its wake.

When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to stay.

"We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Arron Gunthorpe. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can ignore us."
Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing."

Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event.

"Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said the Spanish President Juan Carlos. "They were very friendly, they always seem friendly but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible! Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'"

"Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," President Carlos added.

By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home."

Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy.
In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands:

Immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization,

A permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states,

A worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan,

A primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football,


U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd."




ach_star
Wednesday 31st of August 2005 06:11:54 PM
Q : Could I have a bath if I have diarrhea?
A: You could, if you've got enough


ach_star
Wednesday 31st of August 2005 06:14:03 PM
Children to Parent:
C:Mom, I'm tired, how far to go until we get to grandma?
M:Shut up and keep digging


ach_star
Wednesday 31st of August 2005 06:18:44 PM
English lord phones home and talks to his servant:
Lord: Where's my wife?
Servant: She's upstairs making love to a man
Lord: Take the rifle and shoot them...
Two gunshots are heard, Servant comes and says:
Sir, I've shot your wife but the man jumped out the window and drowned in the swimming pool
Lord: But we don't have a swimming pool....
Servant:...um... what number did you dial?




Well, these are supposed to be bad jokes, right?


ach_star
Wednesday 31st of August 2005 06:24:36 PM
Before the American Civil War:
The Fairy comes to 100 Black people and says she'll grant each of them a wish....
The first one: I wanna be white -> the fairy turns him white, the last one is laughing
The 2nd: I want to be white -> The fairy makes him white, the last black man is hysterical
...
Finally the fairy gets to the last one and says:
Hey, why were you laughing, what's your wish?
The man answers: Make all of these Michael Jacksons black again :))))))




This was a joke, no offence to anyone


ach_star
Wednesday 31st of August 2005 06:26:34 PM
Child to his mother:
C: Mom, i'm tired, how long does it take for the swimming pool to fill?
M: Shut up and keep spitting


ach_star
Wednesday 31st of August 2005 06:28:18 PM
English lord talks to his servant:
Lord: John, does the lemon sing?
John: NO, sir!
Lord: Damn', then I must have squeezed the canary in the tea again!


ach_star
Wednesday 31st of August 2005 06:31:24 PM
Two motorcyclists in the night see the lights of a truck.
Hey look, two more like us, let's pass between them


ach_star
Wednesday 31st of August 2005 06:33:45 PM
Taken from a newspaper: Last night on the motorway, driver John Smith looked into the tank of his car with his lighter to see if he has gas. He had!


ach_star
Wednesday 31st of August 2005 06:41:31 PM
There is a fire, and a woman with a child on the 8th floor screams, and won't throw her baby out the window all though the firefighters say they'll cach him. Finally a well-built man stands out of the crowd and screams:
-Ma'am I'm a professional American football player and I can catch anything.
Finally the woman agrees and throws the child. The man caches him, and everyone is clapping. Then the man raises the child up in the air and bangs him to the ground screaming 'Touchdown'.


There's plenty more bad jokes where these came from... Do you like them, or do you think they're too bad even for this thread?


Dawnlorraine
Thursday 01st of September 2005 07:27:58 AM
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets Saint Peter himself. Saint Peter says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Peter, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." Saint Peter stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, Saint Peter is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?" Saint Peter says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later, Saint Peter stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. Saint Peter gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"


Dawnlorraine
Thursday 01st of September 2005 07:32:44 AM
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.




Dawnlorraine
Thursday 01st of September 2005 07:38:06 AM
About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment.




Joe
Thursday 01st of September 2005 10:40:40 AM
What did the plate say to the other plate?

lunch is on me


Joe
Thursday 01st of September 2005 10:40:58 AM
What do you do when you have no rubber bands?

find a plastic orchestra


ach_star
Thursday 01st of September 2005 02:47:57 PM
Eat fruits!
Fruits mean health
health means sports
sports mean victory
victory means money
money mean women
women mean AIDS
AIDS means death!

Conclusion: Don't eat fruits!


ach_star
Thursday 01st of September 2005 03:08:49 PM
A lawyer parks his new Mercedes and opens he door to get out of the car, when suddenly a big trucks comes and rips the car door off. The lawyer is hysterrical:" hey man that was a brand new car..." The truck driver says: "God, you lawyers are something, the truck also repped your arm off, but you didn't even notice it.." The lawyer looks at his arm and screams "OMG, my Rolex!!!"


ach_star
Thursday 01st of September 2005 03:14:22 PM
In a bar, the bartender says that everyone who can drink a bottle of tequila and stand upright, take out the broken toth of a crocodile and make love to a 80 yearold woman will ge free drinks for the rest of his life. Many try, but usually the croc eats them all. Finally there comes this guy, who drinks the tequila and stands uupright, then enters the crocs cage. People hear screams and the noise of a big fight, then, half an hour later, the guy comes out and says: Where's the old lady with the broken tooth?


Joe
Thursday 01st of September 2005 06:33:34 PM
When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well...tell me!" he demanded.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."

"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."


Joe
Thursday 01st of September 2005 06:35:30 PM
where do pigs park ther cars?

in a porking lot


Dawnlorraine
Friday 02nd of September 2005 09:38:40 AM
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines




Dawnlorraine
Friday 02nd of September 2005 09:39:01 AM
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!



Dawnlorraine
Friday 02nd of September 2005 09:41:01 AM
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.




Dawnlorraine
Friday 02nd of September 2005 09:42:02 AM
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?




Dawnlorraine
Friday 02nd of September 2005 09:48:23 AM
Work Vs Prison
In Prison:
You spend your time in an 8 x 10 cell

At Work:
You spend your time in an 6 x 8 cubicle

In Prison:
You get three free meals a day

At Work:
You get one break for a meal you pay for

In Prison:
A guard locks and unlocks all doors for you

At Work:
You carry a security card, you unlock the doors

In Prison:
You get to watch TV and play games

At Work:
You get fired for watching TV and playing games

In Prison:
You get your own toilet

At Work:
You have to share

In Prison:
Family and friends are allowed to visit

At Work:
You're not allowed to speak to family or friends

In Prison:
Expenses are paid by taxpayers and work is not required

At Work:
You pay to go to work and you get to deduct expenses
on your taxes to pay for prisoners

In Prison:
You look through the bars, hoping to get out

At Work:
You want to get out so you can go inside the bars

In Prison:
The wardens who are often called sadistic

At Work:
The wardens are called managers



ach_star
Friday 02nd of September 2005 01:05:26 PM
what is big, black, has four legs and is on the ceiling?
.......
the piano
but the piano isn't on the ceiling....
what do you care about how I arrange my furniture!


ach_star
Friday 02nd of September 2005 01:07:08 PM
Why do elephants have red eyes?
To hide in the cherry tree


Did you see any elephants in the cherry tree?
No!
Then they must have hidden very well!


ach_star
Friday 02nd of September 2005 01:08:10 PM
how do you call a dog without legs?
you don't call him 'cause he 'ain't coming anyway


Dawnlorraine
Saturday 03rd of September 2005 08:58:41 AM
Job Application
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."



Dawnlorraine
Saturday 03rd of September 2005 09:01:01 AM
job interview
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?"

The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"



Dawnlorraine
Saturday 03rd of September 2005 09:02:37 AM
Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them instantly. You
can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find
out just how clever you really are. Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)






First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.

What position are you in?









Answer:
If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!




Try not to screw up in the next question.


To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for
the first question.



Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?





Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!


You're not very good at this are you?




Third Question:
Very tricky maths! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT
use paper and pencil or
a calculator. Try it.


Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total?
Scroll down for answer..





Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe
it? Check with your calculator!




Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question
right?



Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana,
2. Nene,
3. Nini,
4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?



Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary.
Read the question again.


You ARE the WEAKEST LINK!!!!!! Good-bye!!!



Nokki
Saturday 03rd of September 2005 12:15:35 PM
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
Aw don't cry its only a joke!

You wanted bad thats, really bad...


ach_star
Saturday 03rd of September 2005 03:35:26 PM
what does a baby mouse say when it sees a bat?



Mom, I saw an angel!


ach_star
Saturday 03rd of September 2005 03:36:31 PM
why can't two policemen travel on the same motorbike?




They can't decide on who's got the wseat next to the window


ach_star
Saturday 03rd of September 2005 03:37:29 PM
Richard the Lionhearted dropped his sword in the well.
How did he get it out?




Wet!


ach_star
Saturday 03rd of September 2005 04:16:45 PM
how are the eagle and the worm connected?




They are both slimy creatures that crawl underground, except the eagle.


ach_star
Saturday 03rd of September 2005 04:17:48 PM
what's the difference between a dead man who had smoked and one who hadn't?


The one who hadn't smoked is a lot healthier


ach_star
Saturday 03rd of September 2005 06:28:21 PM
why can't policemen eat pickles?





they can't get their head in the jar


ach_star
Saturday 03rd of September 2005 06:30:09 PM
why are government employees not allowed to look out the window during the morning?





because then there's nothing for them to do in the afternoon


Mery
Sunday 04th of September 2005 10:57:49 PM
ach_star, you could post all your jokes in the same message ;)

A joke in French about two Belgian people :D :

C'est l'histoire d'un couple belge qui part pour un voyage aux States. La femme dit a son mari: - Hans, Tu crois qu'à la douane, ils vont laisser passer la chauve-souris et le putois que l'on va offrir à nos belge-friends, une fois ? - Pas de problème ! Pour la chauve-souris, je la plaque sur mon Tee-shirt. Les Amerloques, ils y verront que du feu, ils croiront que c'est un Tee- shirt de Bat-Man.- Bon, mais pour le putois ?- He bien on va le mettre dans ta culotte. - Dans ma culotte, Hans ! Mais l'odeur ?- Tant pis. S'il meurt, il meurt !


Joe
Tuesday 06th of September 2005 01:48:59 AM
A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"


Dawnlorraine
Friday 09th of September 2005 12:44:32 PM
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. Sue Murphy


oliveya
Saturday 10th of September 2005 04:00:22 AM
q: what do you call a mexican with a rubber toe?
a: roberto (rubber-to)


ulven
Saturday 10th of September 2005 09:08:29 AM
For Joe...;)

Two British tourists are in Germany, deciding where to go next, west to Netherlands or north to Denmark...

John: Netherlands, definitely. In Amsterdam, you can just walk into a coffee shop and Bam!... cheap weed!
Charlie: Pft! You must be kidding! In Copenhagen, just walk into a pastry shop and BAM! ...you get a Danish tart laid on your table for 5 bucks a pop! I know where I'm goin'!


Now, following on from Schalfius' Chinese proverb-styled jokes (found in his signature)...

Man refused sex by woman- disappointed


Joe
Wednesday 14th of September 2005 11:42:50 AM
whats brown and sticky?

a stick


Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 14th of September 2005 01:50:30 PM
Peace, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.




Dawnlorraine
Wednesday 14th of September 2005 01:56:19 PM
Revolution, n. An abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.




Gijs
Thursday 15th of September 2005 01:49:35 AM
Two just born babies lie in their little beds next to eachoter in the hospital..

One of them says: "i am a boy". The other one: "Yeah...right!".
"When the sister is away i will show you" adds the first one.


Later when she 's away,he's lifting the blanket and says:
"look! blue socks!" :D



Dawnlorraine
Thursday 15th of September 2005 06:29:57 AM
Knock knock
Who's there?
Despair
Despair who?
Despair tire is flat




kle
Sunday 18th of September 2005 01:43:40 AM
The greatest knock-knock joke I've ever heard:

A: Knock Knock!
B: Who's There?
A: Interrupting cow
B: Interrup...???
A: Mooooooo!

I know, I know, it's as old as the hills, but I still love it. ; )


cornfed
Monday 26th of September 2005 06:35:41 AM
A drunk staggers down the sidewalk and through the open doors of a church. The astonished worshipers watch as the drunk careens down the isle, crashing into pews and tripping over his own feet before finally making his way into a confessional.

A young priest, witnessing the entire spectacle, figures the drunk is just in need of spiritual guidance and he decides to enter the confessional after the drunk.

Several awkward moments go by while the priest waits for the drunk to speak but all he hears is groaning coming from the other side. The priest decides to break the ice.

"How may I help you, my son," asked the priest.

"I… I… dunno," slurred the drunk. "You got any toilet paper over on your side?"



Anya
Monday 28th of November 2005 10:20:33 AM
Learning other langauges can be good for your health.: oooo, got one in my email the other day:
Learning other langauges can be good for your health.

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.



Dawnlorraine
Monday 05th of December 2005 08:30:21 AM
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Abbey !
Abbey who ?
Abbey stung me on the nose !




Dawnlorraine
Monday 05th of December 2005 08:32:04 AM
Knock Knock
Who's there !
Abe !
Abe who ?
Abe C D E F G H... !




Dawnlorraine
Monday 05th of December 2005 08:32:49 AM
What will fall on the lawn first? An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalogue?




Dawnlorraine
Monday 05th of December 2005 08:36:04 AM
'I hope you're not one of those boys who sits and watches the school clock,' said the principal to a new boy.
'No, Sir. I've got a digital watch that bleeps at three-fifteen.'




Dawnlorraine
Monday 05th of December 2005 08:37:16 AM
Julie: What time is it?
Counsellor: Three o'clock.

Julie: Oh,no!

Counsellor: What's the matter?

Julie: I've been asking the time all day. And everybody
gives me a different answer!




Dawnlorraine
Monday 05th of December 2005 08:40:08 AM
Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is around?
Because time will tell.




jvz8a
Friday 26th of January 2007 10:47:34 AM
This thread is soooo old!!! I hope you don't mind me posting here agian!

New policy on drinking at official functions limit: ONE beer per person.
http://www.middlecity.com/beercups.jpg





An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."


Osman
Thursday 01st of February 2007 03:10:15 AM
Why am i so late to discover this thread?! :)

LOL, nice joke and pic!

I'll use those jokes in my blog by giving the source :D


Joe
Thursday 01st of February 2007 08:10:24 AM
It's been buried for a long time Osman, maybe that's why you didn't see it. Thanks to Javier for resurrecting it! :D

One that I heard a young child tell the other day on the street.

Two sausages are in a frying pan. One says, "Geez, it's hot in here isn't it?"

And the other one says, "Aaaaaah! A talking sausage!"



Mecikoch
Thursday 01st of February 2007 11:34:05 AM
hehe, nice topic. Not-funny jokes are the best ones.

Two tomatoes are crossing a street. Suddenly one says:
- WATCH OUT! A TRUCK! *PLOSHT*
- WHERE? *PLOSHT*



What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish farmer? One says "Hey you, get off of my cloud!" and the other one says "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe."


Anonymous
Thursday 01st of February 2007 03:30:03 PM
I have to read through this thread as soon as I have some more time.

I also know a bad joke (that makes sense only in English):

What are the three rings during the life of a couple?
Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.


Branco
Thursday 01st of February 2007 06:26:48 PM
This one seems appropriate here

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.
"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."



FaWzY
Thursday 01st of February 2007 09:27:28 PM
In Egypt, we call a Café "Ahwa" witch is the same word we use for Coffee, so the silliest joke in the Egyptian history is :

"Marra wa7ed geh yo23od 3ala ahwa 2a3ad 3ala shay"

which translates as

"Someone went to sit on a café/coffee, he sat on tea instead" :D


el_tigre
Thursday 15th of February 2007 06:41:28 PM
I see this thread for the first time.
After 17 months
But I will try to contribute.

:)


nena77
Saturday 17th of February 2007 04:43:35 PM
A very old lady of about 110 years old, living in a remote Greek village, is visited by a young journalist, to give an interview about her age, how she got to live that long, what type of olive oil she used etc etc [Greek TV channels often do this when there are no other interesting news :D].
Anyway, as the journalist is talking to the old woman, he starts nibbling on the bowl of almonds that is on the table. The interview lasts about 45min and in that amount of time the journalist has eaten all the almonds in the bowl. So as he thanks the lady for the interview, he also apologises for having eaten all her almonds. So the old lady says: "Do not worry my young man, I could not eat them anyway, I have no strong teeth. I just like licking the chocolate from their surface and put them back in the bowl"

... ... ...


Joe
Saturday 24th of February 2007 05:45:30 AM
Where do you find a dog with no legs?




Right where you left him.

I know, I know.... that's terrible


jvz8a
Sunday 04th of March 2007 10:40:58 PM
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronauticsand Space Administration (N.A.S.A.) decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.


An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.
The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.
The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.
The mathematician thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.


el_tigre
Wednesday 14th of March 2007 03:40:33 PM
A man comes to doctor:
-Doc, please, I have problems. I feel a huge pain in my chest, in my shoulders , in my legs .... I can't stand, I can't work

etc.

After an examination doctor says:
-it's nothing with you ,Sir. You are just a lazy pig that does not want to work...

Very well doctor, .... but... Could you write me that diagnosis in Latin that I could show it to my wife.


Javier
Friday 14th of September 2007 09:46:28 AM
3-year-old Reese:
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.'


A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'


After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'


A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan, you be Jesus!'


A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'





Gijs
Saturday 24th of November 2007 09:49:03 PM
One day, a guy walks into a bar and he pulls out an eight inch man and a little piano from his pocket and the little guy starts to play. Everyone notices him and are completely amazed. One man is so amazed he walks over to the man and asks him where he got a little man who could play piano like that. The first man replies, "Out in the alley behind this bar is a genie and he will grant you one wish, but one wish only."

The second guy is so excited, he immediately runs outside to find the genie. After a few minutes he walks back into the bar with a flock of ducks following him".

The man with the man and piano asks, "Where'd all those ducks come from?"

The other says, "Well, I asked the genie for a million bucks, but he gave me a million ducks instead."

The first guy says, "Oh, I guess I should have warned you before, the genie is hard of hearing. You don't actually think I asked for a eight inch pianist do you?"




ScottM
Monday 26th of November 2007 04:02:35 AM
What's black and white and black and white and black and white?

A penguin rolling down a hill.


mayor
Sunday 30th of December 2007 08:27:16 AM
Whats red ,black, an white? A sunburnt nun.


mayor
Sunday 30th of December 2007 08:32:50 AM
What did 1 wall say to the other wall?

Meet me in the corner.


mayor
Sunday 30th of December 2007 08:34:45 AM
What sound does a dog with a hair lip make?

"Mark Mark"


mayor
Sunday 30th of December 2007 08:37:48 AM
What do you call a man in the lake wih no arms or legs?

BOB. (sorry)


mayor
Sunday 30th of December 2007 08:41:13 AM
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

5,4 to turn the chair an 1 to hold the bulb. (sorry irishmen no harm ment)


Anonymous
Tuesday 08th of January 2008 09:21:41 PM
What's the fastest way to get into a man's heart?

>> Through his fly.


Gijs
Tuesday 08th of January 2008 09:49:15 PM
On which spot does a women's nickers squeeze the most?

>>on a man's wrist :D


Joe
Sunday 27th of January 2008 12:12:32 AM
What do termites eat for breakfast?


Oak-meal



mayor
Sunday 27th of January 2008 07:11:28 AM
Why did the lizard cross the road?

To see his FLAT mate..


nena77
Tuesday 29th of January 2008 07:01:17 PM
What is white and flies?

A fly in a wedding dress


mayor
Saturday 22nd of March 2008 11:39:59 AM
Whats brown an sticky?

A stick:)


Jako
Monday 14th of April 2008 06:23:57 PM
Originally posted by Mathieu

Also there used to be alot of jokes about Turkish or other foreign immigrants like

Turk and a Maroccan are in a car. Who's driving?

The police

And the shortest joke I've ever know is

There's a Turk at the checkout... that was it :D some of these can still make me laugh just because they're so bad :)



lol that's mean XD

< *needs a hug*


Petr
Thursday 15th of May 2008 03:49:39 PM
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.


nena77
Wednesday 21st of May 2008 03:53:57 AM
It is the World Cup final in the world´s largest stadium. It is England vs Brazil, sportscasters say it will probably be the best game EVER in the history of world cup finals, of World Cups, of football games at all. The stadium is absolutely full, no empty seats anywhere except one next to a middle-aged man. The person sitting next to him wonders aloud
"I wonder how that is possible, in a game like this, to be empty seats around"
The middle-aged man replies with sorrow
"You see, my wife and I booked this ticket 4 years ago. But unfortunately she died so her seat remained empty"
The other man says
"This is really sweet but it is going to be such a great game, couldn't you find a friend to join you instead?"
"I couldn't" the middle-aged man replied "they all chose to go to her funeral"


Gijs
Tuesday 27th of May 2008 03:53:35 PM
- Did the doctor gave you the test results?
- Yeah,...looks like all those years of phonesex caught up with me....I have hearing AIDS..


mayor
Sunday 15th of June 2008 07:02:18 AM
What do you get when you cross a cat with a parrot?

A carrot.


Gijs
Wednesday 02nd of July 2008 01:25:47 AM
Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!


Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.


Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.:D



Dominick_Korshanyenko
Tuesday 08th of July 2008 12:14:04 PM
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he was feeling crummy.


Gijs
Saturday 13th of September 2008 11:17:37 PM
Constipation Problem!: Its actually a good joke:p

Banta a construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."

Banta leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a bat CRACK, CRACK, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom.

Banta comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping your ass with cement bags."



Dominick_Korshanyenko
Tuesday 16th of September 2008 08:09:45 AM
:ha Gijs that was funny..

It's not really a joke but one of my friends cracked me up the other day because he was walking around and said:

This room is hot... like my Latin blood!

Corny but it made me laugh.


Dawnlorraine
Sunday 30th of November 2008 08:33:42 AM
Early Christmas Shopping

It was nearly Christmas and Judge Judy was in a happy mood. She asked the defendant, "What are you being prosecuted for?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping too early," replied the defendant.

"That's not a crime," replied Judge Judy.

"How early were you doing your Christmas shopping?"

"Before the store opened," replied the defendant!!



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